"As we experience this love, there is a temptation at times to become hostile to our earlier understandings, feeling embarrassed...when we haven't come to terms with our own story. These past understandings aren't to be denied or dismissed; they're to be embraced. Those experiences belong. Love demands that they belong. That's where we were at that point in our life and God met us there. Those moments were necessary for us to arrive here, at this place at this time, as we are. Love frees us to embrace all of our history, the history in which all things are being made new." (Rob Bell in Love Wins)So I will continue into August, 2002 with a kinder, more gracious attitude toward my younger self--it has always been a challenge, not just now and regarding this journal, but in many ways, this being kind to myself.
August 1
Yesterday I expressed to my pastor an interest in taking the Youth Coordinator position at the church. My only ambivalence is that this combined youth/music position will pay $8000 less than my part time teaching job offers. Plus, I'd be losing benefits and my retirement.
The easy answer is, "Have faith!" But we did this once before. When Scott tried it...well...we're still trying to recover from the financial atom bomb that went off then. Still don't know if we were really walking in faith at all--it sure didn't pan out in a way that seemed like You'd approved the course of action. What's more, if I were to take it on now, I can see it requiring a 50-60 hr work week. I've done that before, and I don't like what happens to my temperament when I try it. Doing these two assignments--youth and music--could certainly mean that much time. God, what is the answer? Maybe I'll try doing both until Christmas.
I also worry because Scott is considering another job change. Including part time jobs, he's made 7 job "starts and stops" in 3 years. He struggles to find something that supports us and yet feels do-able to him in the long run. [It took him another couple of years to find his niche in sales where he has been satisfied and happily productive ever since, but at this writing, his career objectives were still in flux.] I fear leaving teaching where I am building retirement saving, etc.--again very natural, earthly concerns. "Have faith!" Humph. The kids are growing into greater financial needs, too. What price would You have me ask them to pay for my faith?
Still, I want to acknowledge you in all these things, O God. I remember hearing a sermon at Oakbrook [my husband played drums for this church--making us a two-church family for a time] about where we place our trust. The scripture focus was --In all your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL make your path straight. "How many holes does it take to sink a boat?" the sermon asked. "If you hold even one thing back to manage on your own, it will affect the other areas, and the boat will sink."
Am I traveling in a one-holed boat, God? A many-holed boat?
Here I pray, "Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139
Also:
Banish lies from my lips and liars from my presence. Give me enough food to live on, neither too much nor too little. If I'm too full, I might get independent, saying 'God? Who needs him?' If I am poor, I might steal and dishonor the name of my God.
Prov. 30:8-9
These two make my prayer plea tonight and one more:
I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy." Psalm 140:12
These are the promises I claim, for I look to be poor one way or the other: either in $ or in time unless something changes. Thy will be done. I lay my need for justice and provision at your door to secure it for me, O Lord. My cause is noble and true, but I am needy.
[Did I realize I referenced again the place of knocking? I don't think I did, but the days prior certainly prepared a subconscious part of me for this night of prayer. Did I see that I laid my needs down there? Did that mean I subconsciously left, afraid to wait for Your reaction? In any case, Your response was swift...]
August 3
I met with the pastor today after my marathon night of prayer. I came to the decision to seek ordination to the Office of Deaconess. He loaned me the Book of Discipline [of the Methodist Church] to read info on this particular area of clergy work, and I am getting excited at the prospect of it. I'll keep my teaching job, at half-time, and just go half-time at the church instead of full, doing only the music side of the work. I will also seek recommendation from the next full charge conference for official candidacy into the diaconal ministry. Three years after that, I can be in full-time ministry.
But for tonight, as I glance through this Book of Discipline, I'm reflecting on a phrase I see in the Doctrinal Heritage section:
"Support without accountability promotes moral weakness; accountability without support is a form of cruelty." Also from this book: "A church that rushes to punish is not open to God's mercy, but a church lacking the courage to act decisively on personal and social issues loses its claim to moral authority." paragraph 101
Dear Lord, may your grace at work in me extend into the realm of evangelism to a larger degree. Prepare me and sanctify me to that end. In Christ's name..Amen.
Reflecting on that quote, I see a great arena in which to pray for local churches. So often it seems, when a church slips out of its vine-branch position with Christ, it is due to this sort of imbalance between support and accountability. I think this might be why God is moving our congregation to be less inwardly focused and become more seeker-friendly. The consideration of the seeker's needs will make us reflect on how much (as a church) we are working to keep these two aspects in balance.
How do I talk about the way the now-me looks back at this section? Bittersweet? This was the genesis, the prelude to an era in which we would feel like sacrificial lambs--not spotless by any means, but lambs nonetheless about to be led to slaughter. Moreover, if I could explain my God to my former self, I'd point out that these were days akin to a Kadesh moment (Numbers 13) in the church where we worshiped and served. God wanted to indicate a drift much like the drift Jesus brought to light in Matthew 23, saying "[Ye] fools and blind: for whether [is] greater, the gift, or the altar that sanctifieth the gift?" Accountability is a gift of grace and a responsibility, but it is not the altar itself, nor is support. These must go on the altar to be sanctified, not relied upon to make the altar itself worthy.
We did not comprehend any of this at the time. We were too personally affected to process events from such a lofty posture. We did not see ourselves as having a hard role to play as God brought these scales into view. We as a church thought we wanted seekers, but did we not actually want secrets? Corporately we did not see how our actions were the same as cowering before giants in a divinely proffered land of milk and honey. In theory it all looked good during those planning meetings and in-house retreat. These were the massive grapes from the brook Eschol; but equally obvious were the risks in claiming that territory, risks that proved too great, to God's children in the OT and to our congregation then as well.
I can't remember whether this holy guidance came as a preparation or an explanation for those troubled days when I was blithely writing this August entry. I think they came after, but not until I wade further into this journal will I remember. I know after the days of rejection, we didn't realize how far-reaching the impact would be, particularly on my husband who received the full force of that cold wind. I hope to learn more about the ways You are affecting healing even now.
But looking back I do see one important thing: I anguished in prayer, and You answered.
I knocked, and You knocked, too. In the end, You are surely also nourished by the people we are becoming as a result of this gauntlet we coursed--we Your remnant.
And...
You took the time to pause even then, to show puzzle pieces in a life-jigsaw that would take years to lock into their places. At that August juncture ten years ago, we knew nothing about a suffering faith, not really. We sought you as a Finisher, but could hardly believe you to be the Author of such a facet of faith. Yet You spoke to us as if we already understood, because You knew one day we would understand...
For this, I thank You. And I hope you continue speaking to the part of me that will understand...someday.
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