"It's a Good Value"

Nowadays, that title statement usually means: "It's cheap, comparatively speaking."
But that's not what I'm talking about here.

Feb. 16, 2003
Recently, I've been walking through a time where dark clouds obscure my relationship with You, God.  I feel like all the "spending" of my life has led to nothing.  I wonder what's the point of this "type" of relationship with You where service is paramount.  I can't be the family ox anymore in this relationship, God.  I need a season as the lap dog in Your household or else I'm going to lose all sense that You love me for any purpose other than for how much work You can get out of me!

I'm trying to be "ok" with it if I don't get any response from You for this desperate confrontation.  I've tearfully asked my spouse to pray for me as I try to come to terms with this "phase" of life.  Even as I cry like this on the inside, outside I have to choose between going full-time as a public school teacher and staying half-time and keeping the part-time church job, hanging onto the hope of going into full-time ministry later. 

So today I was reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, the Feb. 4 entry (yes, I'm behind a bit) and saw this:

Very few of us know what it means to be held in a grip by the love of God; we are held by the constraint of our experience only.

He goes on to talk of testimony.  The Holy Ghost helps us to realize we are to become a witness to His "being" and not just His "doing". Ironically, I realize I was praying about my "doing" as the only way I saw Him approaching our relationship.  My "doing" was the only context in which I understood Him to want me; so is it also the only context in which I want Him?  Can I love His "being" outside His "doing" for me?  Is this the question He's left me "hanging" so that I might wake up to answer?  I've prayed for years to better understand love outside its "performance" base.  Here's one step taken that direction, I guess!  Praise God!  Chambers says, "...the strange thing is that it is the last thing realized by the Christian worker."  I guess I don't feel so foolish when I read that!  :D

Feb 20
Thoughts to ponder as I further consider Christian work as a vocation:
(again, compliments of Oswald Chambers)

1. Have I ever been carried away to do something for God that did not feel particularly useful?
2. Do I believe I can bring things to God that are of value to Him?   
3. What do I make of this:  "Abandon to God is of more value than personal holiness."  I think what this means is that a personal holiness focus puts my eye on my own whiteness, preoccupies me with a fear of offending Him--which hints that I'm operating out of my own power and not His for whiteness sake; perfect love casts out fear and frees me to make it all about Your power in my life.
4. Make up your mind that you are of no use, but ask yourself if you are of value.  "It is never a question of being of use, but of being of value."  (Feb. 21 devotion)

As I review these 4 ponder-points now, I'd say the last ten years have offered me some growth in #1 largely,  #2 definitely, and in #4 pretty well.  My big question now is this, God:  if You were to decide to test me on #3, what would it look like?  Sometimes I fear I've failed miserably on #3.