I Want to Pass It On...

“Correctly then is this world called the mirror of divinity;” wrote John Calvin.

Not that there is sufficient clearness for man to gain a full knowledge of God by looking at the world, but… the faithful, to whom he has given eyes, sees sparks of his glory, as it were, glittering in every created thing.” That’s what Calvin had said. “The world was no doubt made that it might be the theater of divine glory.”

I got this quote from a beautiful post in Ann Voskamp's blog:  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/04/what-your-scars-can-really-be/

I was given this little necklace for Christmas. My family meant it to tell me that I completed the puzzle of our lives together.  God has been using that gift lately to speak to me. 

May 11-25, 2005

To be approved.  Does it mean having nothing left "wrong" within me?  Not exactly, for it is different from human approval in that respect.  God does not say "put it right and you'll get a good grade from me" so much as saying "accept the light of Jesus Christ" over that thing.  When something in Scripture irritates or when it seems that a "besetting sin" or a "ruling disposition" hangs on tenaciously, then this is the time to ask fearlessly for that thing to be brought into the light.  He sheds light and obedience becomes possible where previously only failed efforts endlessly cycled. 

But, sometimes approval demonstrated takes the saint off the traditional path.  If it is out of love for God that the demonstration is made, He will affirm it before those who would deal out shame, as He did when the woman "wasted" costly oil to anoint him rather than spending it acceptably, to feed the poor.  Chambers says, "Many are loyal to the 'notion' of Jesus but not to Jesus himself." (March 28, My Utmost...)  He will raise up a standard for those who face the condemnation of others whose notion of Him is interfering with timeless reality.  He will approve those who are actually working to show their love for Him.

But why is it so hard to yield this disposition that rules but is not of God--why are we more often like the one who trusts for approval to be found in these notions instead of in the Holy One?  I think fear of loss of identity, control, lack of trust that God can balance both our best interests and His own glory, ignorance of the power of His grace.  All of these can make notions seem safer than a living being is.  But we must yield, and God's grace will prove sufficient, even as it was for Paul's thorn in the flesh--that thing which poked his flesh, making his carnal self cry for attention. 

And what of "inner desolation" in life?  Are these indications of periods of disapproval?  What of unmet requests?  I do not know if I can bear being asked to carry the banner of approval when its fabric is woven in circumstances so harsh that faith alone gives me the breath to say "Even yet, it is well with my soul."

The disciples would shoo the children away, but Jesus invited them to stay, and their approved status He called exemplary; but the rich young man who came displaying his 'righteous living' along with his worldly wealth, this one shooed himself away when that wealth was dismissed as a throw-away thing in the kingdom of God.  Not all wealth is monetary; but in this world, most all of it is earned--including the temporal honors associated with a good-works lifestyle. This young man couldn't get rid of the idea of earning heaven like he'd earned everything else. 

Approval and timing.  It is important to make a distinction between submitting to God's approval in the context of His ordained condition of Time over the life of man, between this and what is termed "situational ethics."  If that last term is painted with too wide a brush-stroke it doesn't leave God room to call a thing right or wrong based on its timing.  God said the timing was right for the death of Jesus when He was a grown man, but wrong when He was a baby--too broad a swipe of that term "situational ethics" and God must stand condemned for this change of posture over time. 

I look again at the puzzle piece, and I think about the way I've spent the last week. I did not look at the old journals because I was living in the now.  I spent this past week visiting with a group of women in what felt like a sacred, organic, mini-retreat that was commissioned by God alone. 

We still sit wondering what to do with this mysterious thing.  We've chatted back and forth a bit about it, and the prevailing feeling is, "I'm still processing."  This is common enough when a retreat is planned and prepared and presented by those trained and called to such a ministry, but when  everyone involved feels like the pilgrim, then it is a strange thing indeed.  I don't know that I've ever experienced a gathering so utterly Spirit-driven until this one; Spirit-controlled, yes but humanly driven.  This...this was different.  Now we're wondering whether and how we might be able to share such a thing with others.

I thought again of my necklace as I we waited for worship to begin this morning at church.  On the overhead screens during the introductory slide show, two little blue puzzle pieces (just like my necklace) showed up on the screen.  One said give and the other get.  They made me think again of my week with my friends. 

I thought of how the words "seamless joining" seemed to hover in my mind as I left my time with these friends and traveled home, and I wondered what these words might mean.  I consider them now in this give-and-get context, indeed like pieces in a puzzle--all fitting together, separate but equal; everyone giving and receiving as the Spirit offers each a place to fit seamlessly--no place gaping or uncomfortably tight, because there was no one of us that orchestrated relevance. 

I told them I thought we were like a first-fruits of something larger, and I think that all the more now as I opened my Bible and read this morning:

In the meantime, when so many thousands of the multitude had gathered together that they trod upon one another, he began to say to his disciples first, "Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees which is hypocrisy.  Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.  Therefore, whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops."  Luke 12:1-3

Multitudes are treading on each other. 
Hypocrisy does spread like leaven.
But we saw none of it in our little calling-away.  So Christ's words that often must serve as warning could instead act as a blessing and a promise of redemptive things soon expanding. 

We were present for the precious whispers in the private rooms. 
I review them in my heart with fondness.  But my feet...
My feet are already climbing the stairs.

Which Came First: the Chicken or the Egg?

More on the theme of approval...

April 21, 2005
A new highlight in the approval series here:  one that hovers over the ideas of commitment and authority as I look at Matthew 16:24-27. 
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. My Nelson Bible's side notes say, "Commitment requires choices because it is exclusive."  I could sit and ponder that statement for quite a while.  Rarely do I really consider whether I desire approval so much that I would take up a cross in order to get it. 
Nor is it a thing much demonstrated in our society today, few of our choices are based on exclusivity.  But Jesus speaks strongly of this commitment and goes on to remind that embracing this level of commitment to God's authority is first of all reasonable: For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?; and second of all, bears rewards: For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works.
These truths, however, about approval in the context of authority and commitment are only "true" to the person whose awareness of them is able to exist outside the boundary of this life and this world. 


April 27
Psalm 18:19 He brought me forth also into a large place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me. Again,a question about love and approval:  which comes first?  Love comes first, love pouring down from the throne of God, right?  Even in a Psalm that seems to foreshadow the agony Christ suffered on the Cross, deliverance still arrives as the manifestation of God's delight.  The Psalmist goes on to associate that delight with being approved:  Therefore hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.  So it is still a bit of a mystery, this relationship between love and approval, nevertheless the victory is utterly credited to God.  And, the Psalm after all does seem Messianic, which makes this level of righteousness and cleanness are things associated with the only one worthy to be our Redeemer. 

 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great. (vs. 35)  I didn't go on to reflect on the rest of Psalm  18 back in 2005, but I do now.  I still struggle with the tension between might and meekness in this Psalm.  For instance, even as I consider that strange association of our greatness springing from the gentleness of God,  I notice the Psalmist going on to say:  Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies; that I might destroy them that hate me. (vs. 40) which hardly sounds gentle at all.  Does a gentle God approve us that we might do this destruction? And yet we profess that we do it by Him:  [It is] God that avengeth me, and subdueth the people under me. (vs. 47).  And what of these enigmatic words: 

25 ​​With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful;

​​With a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless;

26 ​​With the pure You will show Yourself pure;

​​And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd.

Again, that flow chart toward approval. I could add from our own lesson in unconditional love:  with the loving You show yourself loving...but what prompted us to love?  Was it You?  You foresaw the choice we would make?  If we had chosen instead to become hardened athiests, would you have "shown Yourself to be" something else?  These are the types of questions that could keep me awake at night if I let myself pick at them too long. 

 

Mostly, I think this whole Psalm belongs almost exclusively to the Christ-a prophetic word uttered for His benefit as He prepared Himself for the cross.  If I am to understand it at all, it will be from the perspective of His being approved in a consecration (setting apart) that is not my own, although it offers me beneficial results to me due to His approved status. Part of me feels better about reserving those words of approval, authority and commitment  in Matthew for myself, words I understand--but that may not be the end of His teaching for me on this one.  I may just be doing part one of a cosmic lectio divina on that psalm.
It doesn't feel like the end of it at all.

Digging for Buried Treasure in the Prison Floor

You come through thick stone walls, armed guards and bars: you bring me a starry night and ask about this and that.  You are the Redeemer.  I recognize you.  You are my way, my truth, and my life.  Even my cellar blooms with stars and peace and light pour forth.  You sprinkle beautiful words on me like flowers:  "Son, what are you afraid of?  I am with you!" --Viktoras Petkus, Lithuania from The Lion Book of Family Prayers.

While this person's imprisonment was literal, the perception of imprisonment can be a common feature all through life with bars of limitation forged from many different elements.  Fear of the unknown, fear of the self, fear of a wrong choice that reaches grasping fingers into the future.  These are a strong-barred prison indeed.

April 17, 2005
Strange.  Almost a year ago, I very much feared coming to live in this little townhouse community.  Now I fear leaving it!  Well, not fear really, but I pause and consider deeply the choice before us.  What a change the move here has wrought in me! 

But I am learning that this is the way God so often teaches a lesson.  It's prelude feels like fear.  I read in My Utmost for His Highest by Chambers today the following from the April 29 entry: "Certainty is the mark of the common sense life; gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life." 
He refers to I John 3:2 "It does not appear yet what we shall be..."

I think about how God taught us the Big Lesson, the one about unconditional love--what an imprisonment that felt like!  Imprisonment in poverty, in a place where a gracious God seemed untrustworthy. 
We expected Him to teach us about unconditional love by showing us how unconditional His love was for us--and in a way He did, but mostly what He did was show us how unconditional our love was for Him. 

Now I can see this was the best way because we were such babies, so limited by love-trust problems that we would have had a hard time realizing He felt such love for us.  If the front door is barred, He'll find a way in through a side door:  He'd show us that He'd already planted that love in us toward Him.  We knew His love because we realized our own capacity, and He was within us.  If we as creatures could refuse to reject God despite His seeming to abandon us in such harsh need, well then surely we bore unconditional love within our breasts; and surely He carried that same thing--only to a much larger degree--within His own!  The wonder of the way Your hand touches our need is astounding!
 
Right now, I struggle with thoughts of moving.  And, I look to the resolution of that distress from this new position of feeling strongly loved.  We found a duplex that would serve our needs well, and my oldest son would have a whole basement to use for his percussion equipment.  But...I also sense that here in this apartment complex we can do a great good as well.  Things happen here that don't happen in a wealthy but private neighborhood, and by that I don't mean shooting and looting!  I mean the needs and dependencies on the goodness and care of neighbors are shared openly here.  So what would you have us do, God?

I read: "Practical work may be a competitor against abandonment to God, because practical work is based on the argument-Remember how useful you are here--" But on the other hand, am I justifying the wrong thing when I say I am putting service beneath abandonment? 
What do I apply here, God?  You know I'm willing to do either.  In one case, I'm spending myself mostly for my son; in the other, mostly for my community.  Which one, Lord?  We have a week to decide.

 In these days I was faced with my next big unknown...the first one since that deluge of unknowns that brought the epiphany about God's love along in its wake.  This was my first brush with the tension of believing myself a partner in something larger than my own little life.  We did end up moving; and no great work attached itself particularly to the change, although my oldest son did benefit and ended up majoring in music, marching in drum corps, etc because of his enhanced opportunities in music.  I learned that not every decision is climactic; that some spin out  their results gradually rather than dumping their load.  I learned that wherever you go, there You are. 

I was, however, being prepared to learn a deeper truth about the more challenging reaches of faith.  In reflecting on the story of Peter walking on the water, when Peter began to sink he cried, "Save me, Lord."  Christ, after lifting him back above the waves, chided his lack of faith. 

Always before, I thought that slippage of faith occurred right when fear of the waves came, and that fear was what caused Peter to sink and to be chided for it; but I now think the breach of faith that Christ addressed was larger than that alone.
If Christ could defy nature such that He could take a man walking safely across the surface, then why couldn't He just as easily have taken that same man walking safely along the bottom?  Peter could believe as long as he was following what he'd seen Jesus do, as long as the conditions for his life were not compromised, a miracle that only brushed his actions. But he could not envision that he could survive just as well beneath the waves as walking across them.  He was not yet ready to live out the "greater things than these shall ye do"  concept.  This I think was also behind Christ's words when He asked, "Why didst thou doubt?"

I was, that April, just beginning to allow for the possibility that sinking beneath the waves might hold its own miracle, too.

What Persuades You?

I began in these days to start grasping at a notion that my husband would later call my elevated view of life--a thing that gave meaning sometime to the most random of things.  It sprang from a seed in scripture about a common image of faith:  the humble tent, the shelter of the sojourner.

April 11, 2005
The sermon at church yesterday considered Hebrews 11, and I went on to study the passage on my own--particularly from this prophetic study focus.  The first verse of the chapter is often considered the Bible's defining verse for the idea of faith: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But I find myself considering one of the examples given further down in the chapter, looking at both what is not seen and what is.

Hbr 11:8	By faith Abraham, when he was called to go out into a place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed; and he went out, not knowing whither he went.
Hbr 11:9	By faith he sojourned in the land of promise, as [in] a strange country, dwelling in tabernacles with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise:
Hbr 11:10	For he looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker [is] God.

  Abraham lived in a tent, it says...all his life, essentially all of three generations of his family.  And Sarah--she bore a child from a dead womb.  It is easy to imagine believing for the birth of a nation from the one child of a dead womb when you are looking backward down a lens from the future, but what about when you are looking outward through it at places not yet explored? 

What amazing faith it becomes, to believe in Solomon's city when you stand as your tent flaps in the wind...for the rest of your lifetime.  Everything they clung to (aside from the promised child) remained in the realm of the "promised but not yet realized" until the day they died!

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of [them], and embraced [them], and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Hbr 11 continues. I begin to see a new dimension to all this. 
Prophets in practice, if you will. They become so much larger I see.  Ones whose very lives are prophetic. 
For we know that if our earthly house of [this] tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. (2 Cor. 5:1)  The tent in this verse stands as a symbol for the human body, making the patriarchs' tent-life--and even Paul's profession being one related to tent-making--these become things prophetic woven into the fabric of their common, everyday living!

Later,  this idea of meaning-rich details in lives both Biblical and current blossomed larger, and sometimes even now a heightened clarity descends that imbues the seeming randomness of duller moments with an uncommon significance.  In those times, it feels like God is making His own version of poetry, and often out of the least noticeable elements of a life.  These become breath-taking metaphors when they assume their God-given transcendence--when they receive the spotlight that can only be directed by the Spirit of God. 

Hopefully, this expansion of vision will become apparent in the entries of the days to come.

Picking Up the Shield of Shame...and Dropping It

I saw this verse today as a pastor friend's status update and figured it a good intro to today's post:
"But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God." (2 Corinthians 4:2 NKJV)

April 9, 2005
If faith is a shield to block the fiery darts of the wicked one, then surely that wicked one's 'antishield' he'd have us swap out to receive is the shield of shame.  Not that healthy shame that makes you see specific sins in all their naked reality and causes you to run to redemption, but the shame that attaches itself to who you are and how you were made.  I can think of little that a man can hide behind that is so blindingly paralyzing as bad shame.  THIS was what the snake gave to mankind when he coaxed Eve into taking the apple. 

Thank You God that You make it Your mission to help us see which shield we're hiding behind and why. 

April 10
I keep seeing cardinals lately.  Everywhere.  Dead alongside the road.  On a decorative nameplate that also had a friend's name on it, on license plates of red cars.  Weird.

More academically, my old and new testament readings seemed to complement each other in an interesting way today.  I hit the Gospel story of the Canaanite woman who begged for her daughter's healing, which Jesus answered seemingly harshly before affirming her faith and healing her daughter; and I hit Isaiah 42, where the Servant is said to bring justice to the Gentiles and will not break a bruised reed.  I see the two as going together.  This woman's faith was great--especially considering her background.  Therefore, He could use this moment with her (a bruised reed) to teach more about faith to his disciples (who would surely have sent her away simply because of  the nature of who she was--that shame point again.) He knew, however, that calling her to display her faith would not 'break' the bruised reed that was her, and so the disciples learned that even someone they would not ever consider 'approved' could nevertheless receive a miracle.

Bless me, O Lord, to cooperate with You if should so desire to break molds of indifference or disapproval and shame through You interactions with me; especially help me trust that You won't break me in those places where I am bruised!


At this point in the journal, I was beginning to learn what to notice and what to record in that prophetic gifting realm. 
Seeing the cardinals--although I didn't state it explicitly--reminded me of my own association with the cardinal, a thing stated earlier in this blog, a thing that sprang from His particular transcendent use of the bird in my own life.  A cardinal for me was a sign of personal suffering.  In the future, the context in which I saw this bird would become pertinent, especially after this first introductory episode.  I knew enough to notice the redundancy.  I did not know enough to look for a 'why' behind it, so when the why came, I was shocked.  Not until later and much reflection did I come to a deeper understanding of this gifting I felt called to receive.

The person whose name I saw on that nameplate--the only actual name I saw associated with the bird--shortly after this entry was recorded had an abortion that ripped her soul with agony.  I received a middle-of-the-night phone call from her as she wept over it.  And...I stopped seeing the bird for a long while after that. 

I learned one important thing about this gift from all this:  I learned to remember the reason for having the gift at all.  If mankind 'needs' prophets, it is because mankind is in pain or is in trouble and needs to hear God speak.  Scripture says God condemns the false prophets who cry, "peace, peace" when there is no peace.  Counting the cost of prophetic gifting means realizing what it is not.  It is not abuot standing at the front of an auditorium and 'channeling' comforting words from dead relatives to the awe and amazement of a crowd.  Being a genuine prophet of God means foreseeing depths of pain and learning to interpret them and respond in such a way as to intercede with the best hope of effectiveness. 

This was one of the first lessons I received about prophetic gifting.

Renewal by Another Name

This one, more than many of the others I've reviewed recently, feels like it reaches tendrils into my life today...


April 8, 2005
A few more things spring to mind as I consider approval and love.  If we seek the right approval, then we will only walk into it when the "need" for it is dead, for the need itself is self-centered.  A paradox.  "But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself so that I might finish my course with joy..."  Acts 20:24.  What a powerhouse verse about approval!
Even more paradoxical, our being approved ultimately doesn't even come from our own strength at all, but from God's strength:

"He gives power to the weak
And to those who have no might
He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who who wait upon the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wing like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:29-31

My Bible describes this word "renew" from the text as being better understood with the idea "to exchange." It is not that God renews in the sense of our strength being refreshed, but that he utterly swaps it out for His own.

O God, exchange Your strength for my own! 

I think of the Hannah Whitall Smith story from her book, The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life, about the man walking with the heavy pack on his back.  Another man driving a cart comes along and offers the walker a ride.  The man gratefully accepts the ride, but when he climbs into the cart, he doesn't remove the pack from his back.  The cart driver says, "Brother, why don't you put your pack in the back of the cart?"  But the rider says, "Oh, no; you have already given me a ride.  I couldn't ask you to relieve me of the weight of the pack as well!"  The man doesn't think through his situation.  The cart is already bearing the weight of his pack.  His own strength is of no account in the matter of bearing the burden.  How often do we accept renewal--a divinely offered ride on the journey, but do not go so far as to accept this exchange Isaiah mentions. 

Help me drop the pack, Lord, for I know I am surely in the cart!  In the name of the cart-driver!  --Amen.

Strange how impactful this seemed to me when I first discovered this principle of strength exchange. Strange, too, how much I got a glassy-eyed stare from people when I'd try to share it with others who felt circumstantially weak.  Or I'd get that dreaded look that said, "Yes, and so what's the punch line?" after you finished telling the joke, so you lamely grab for closure with an "I guess you had to be there..." or some such thing.  I got those responses until finally I just stopped sharing this Great Revelation, but for me it still was.  This was somehow a huge channel of peace, one that made me able to turn and face that fear-making challenge, thinking "It's not my strength being measured here..." and then I could begin to breathe normally again and my hands would grow stronger. 

During this recent and extended season of intentional weakening hand-delivered by God, this strength-concept left me entirely.  Now that my natural strength is returning, I joyfully refresh my memory on this one; but it is different, as well.  I learned well how to embrace the weakness that goes in lockstep with the demands that were obviously too heavy for me to lift, but I did not associate it with those things I lifted easily.  I understand that now, but during the season of trial, it was a discouraging thing as I watched more and more thing become too heavy. 

Now I consider it anew.  What might it be like, this new way of seeing the exchange? To not only take my utter weakness, faintness and failure and offer them up for exchange; but also to take my strength, the thing I'd never consider needing renewal, and offer it up as well? 
To some it might seem foolish; to others obsessive...
But I think in truth, it would be a holiness.

Double-duty Miracle

C.S. Lewis quote of the day to kick off the topic I was considering 7 years ago:

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/c_s_lewis_2.html#k8fdAL2CXbXroJkF.99

April 7
I have a growing question about the parallels in the feedings of the 5000 and the 4000.  Many events in Jesus' life went unrecorded. (Gospel writers admit it.)  So why tell two so similar stories at the expense of another different one?  There must be significance in the comparison. 
Differences:
1) The number of people decreased.
2) Amount of time group was left growing hungry--group 1 went one day, group 2 went three days.
3) Group 1 had access to villages where they could have gone to buy food.  Group 2 had only wilderness.
4) Disciples had the idea to feed group 1, as well as an idea how to accomplish it; Jesus had the idea to feed group 2, and the disciples were stumped for how to accomplish it.
5) Both received food.  First group: 5 loaves and 2 fish; second group:  7 loaves and a few fish. 
6) Both had leftovers.  First group: 12 baskets; second group: 7 baskets.
7) First group sat down on the grass, second on the "ground."

The initial thought I have is the two groups represent the faithful in growth in a larger context.  The first have not grown so far as to be able to go more than a day and they still have other sustenance in visible access (villages.)  They are still in a place where the disciples feel they can take care of them and there is softness (grass) underfoot, and much food went uneaten in that group.  Twelve baskets. 
Later, the number of faithful had diminished by 1000 but these demonstrated a willingness to endure more hardship:  the disciples did not know how to serve their needs here, the "landscape" offered no hope, yet they continued to follow Jesus.  Reminds me of the well-known passage:

Phl 4:11	Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, [therewith] to be content.
Phl 4:12	I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
Phl 4:13	I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Part of me hesitates to move into sharing this next chapter of my prayer life--the one I've self-assigned the title Birth of the Prophetic Era, chuckling even as I type it.  The reason it is difficult to share is because even I am not sure how to understand the things that came into being over these next few years.  Part of me figures if I share it, any "respect" I've garnered with any wisdom splattered over the first third of the time historic designated for this journal will evaporate like a shallow pool on a hot day.  So easy to write it all off with a shrug.  "She obviously just has Grade Five Syndrome.  Put her in the ward where the 'exorcists' are working on the 'alien abductees.' "  I get that.  Too well.
But I also feel like I've been commissioned to share my trek through this period of life.  Maybe I'll come to understand it a little better, and maybe even in its weirder days it will still continue to bless others. 

April 6, 2005
As I read and study on thoughts of approval and love, I see a curious balance.  Somehow a balance must come from over-emphasis on the opinions of others and callous disregard of their opinions.  After all, approval is what we're talking about, so external evaluation is a factor in some measure.  Pride swings us out of balance--and can do so either direction. 

I'm reading in Matthew 14 about John the Baptist's beheading.  Herodias was unlawfully wed to Herod.  John publicly renounced this law-breaking.  She, being more interested in public power than a prophet's opinion began manipulating against him.  Ultimately she took out a prophet of God, but along the way she used Herod, tricking him into killing John through his own weakness of pride--he couldn't be seen as weak or willing to contradict/correct himself in a rash offer in front of his public.  What's more, she taught her daughter to demean herself in exchange for the power to make demands.  The daughter demonstrated she was learning the lesson of public display well, for she added her own flourish, requesting not only John's head, but his head on a silver platter.  No one was embarrassed for the right things, and only one was embarrassed even for the wrong thing.  Approval sought in all the wrong quadrants!  Oh the falsehood that so easily wears the mask of honor when the wrong source for approval stands toe to toe with us!  Amazing the counter play between these two forms of obsession with power and there was no love anywhere around it!

Contrast these with the next few verses:  Jesus goes off alone to a deserted place--presumably to grieve,pray, etc.  And when the crowds follow Him, He is moved with compassion and heals their sick.  Even when the disciples come with a reasonable proposition that He send the people away to get themselves some dinner, he continues to provide for them. 
Two points:
1) He, even in a time when selfishness--at least for a period of mourning--is appropriate, puts such selfishness aside.
2) He acts under supernatural power according to the will of God.  (healing and feeding the thousands) rather than through striving under human power and influence.  All was done in compassion, not for the sake of the people's approval nor for power.

Then, it is important to note--Jesus returned to his solitude.  He did not respond to the interruption by getting vexed, or by becoming demanding in the face of a natural-world interruption to his meditations on events of supernatural import.  He responded with compassion and true power.

Interesting the thoughts I had at the beginning of this post, before I'd opened the journal for today's entry.  I begin to see now the link.  The question moves deeper--down below the place where it is academic, or even exegitical. The question become personal.  Whose approval are you considering?  How does love factor into the equation?

Each New Day

April 4, 2005
The last big life lesson God told me to ask Him was this: 
"Teach me about unconditional love." 
Now that it has been initially answered (as described in the last volume of the journal) I've been enjoying a season of rest, for it was a challenging, draining lesson.

But now, God is introducing what new thing He wants to teach me, and it is this:  what is the difference between being loved and being approved? 

Help me, Lord!  "Help Thou my unbelief!" because now I know how difficult Your lessons can be in the learning, though they are certainly worth it.  Help me to sit patiently when the molding grows uncomfortable.  Help me to trust in Your abiding control through all the circumstances of life.  Help me to walk in grace wherever You may take me.  Stay close and do not let me look to other sources for my comfort but to Thee, my salvation!  In Jesus name...Amen!

In this prophetic-study I'm making, I find today's verse exactly fits the prayer I just made.  Psalm 60:3-5 says, "You have shown your people hard things; you have made us drink the wine of confusion.  You have given a banner to those who fear you, that it may be displayed because of the truth.  That your beloved may be delivered, save with your right hand and hear me."

Back in the days when I wrote the last volume and started this one,  I see how much I valued a very organized and thematic progression in my devotional and prayer life.  I found order and control soothing--particularly when other parts of life proved unruly.  As memory serves me now, I believe this order and structure will soon fade in the reading--or at least will go on hiatus--to be replaced by something wilder and more passionate that blew into my prayer life not far past these entries.  My walk with God took a sharp turn, much like abandoning a stroll in the formal gardens near the house to take a hike up the mountain. 

I'm getting excited about walking again this path not too far ahead!

Who WIll Go For Us?

Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here [am] I; send me. --Isaiah 6:8 

The second journal volume in this decade-long prayer log begins with somewhat random notes on a few thematic studies for use in church programming. They were scribblings too specific and cryptic for anything but that moment's application.

The first genuinely personal and memorable note reflects the beginning of a study on the role of the prophet as made evident in God's word.  I didn't state it as a study topic explicitly, but I think I chose this study theme based on my sense that prophetic gifting was already running down the pipes for me.

March 25
Good Friday.  I'm sitting here with two little boys squirming and chattering in the bed beside me.  I don't know how much depth this entry will contain although I really only have one thing on my mind today anyway.  As I was reading in Matthew, I saw this in chapter 13, verse 52:  Then He said to them. 'Therefore, every scribe instructed concerning the kingdom of heaven is like a householder who brings out of his treasure things old and new.' "  (Just got a big hug from the little one bouncing on the bed.)  I'm not sure what this verse means exactly, but I do feel like a scribe.  Lord, help me understand and bring the right things--old and new--out of my treasure.  [Just after that entry, an extra note is written in the margin dated April 10:  Behold, the former things are come to pass, and new things do I declare: before they spring forth I tell you of them. Isaiah 42:9...Maybe the essence of being assigned as prophet is found in these words--links to the idea of being a householder/scribe like Jesus mentioned in Matthew.]

April 3
Another one to ponder about prophets here:  God Himself clothed Adam and Eve in animal skins, yet told Isaiah to walk around naked and barefoot for three years as a sign to the people.  Might prophets sometimes be called to live "outside the box" compared to what God calls others to do and be?  Would He still do such a thing today?

Thinking again about Peter and the crisis of shame and disillusionment in his denial of Christ.  (Easter season stuff, you know.)  When that crisis came, He knew Jesus in such a way that He was still receptive to redemption and commissioning when the time came that these were presented. Looking back to the episode of his walking on water, Peter's preparation for that later crisis becomes obvious.  "We can only carry people in our boat for so long before we must let them walk out of it if they so ask, and in walking they will likely sink.  Have they learned to look to Jesus when they sink?"  (Quoting a letter I wrote to someone there.)  Peter got the chance to practice "failing well."  He went down while walking on water, but he looked to Jesus and was rescued. 

Would Peter have recognized Christ as His resurrected redeemer if he hadn't ever asked to get out of the boat and walk on water that other time?  Probably yes, but it is an interesting parallel to consider. 

It's odd--this first fledgling look at the aspects of being a prophet.  So many things that have been woven so firmly into the fabric of my sense of calling now--anchoring threads in a larger tapestry--are threads just being licked and poked through the eye of a needle here.  It is a tender thing to revisit.

I think about how far You've brought me, Lord, in the last 7 years, and I can't help but wonder:  who will You have fashioned me to be come 7 years from now?
It is a blessed mystery!