Good Ripens

Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but also from other good. – C.S. Lewis

April 17, 2003
So much has happened lately, I hardly know where to begin to record it!  When spring break was about to begin, N called and asked if she and her kids could come and stay with us. [N was a family friend] She'd told A, her husband, that he had to get off the prescription drugs and alcohol or she wouldn't live with him anymore.  They stayed with us for a week while he made up his mind what to do.  In the end, he decided to move cross country to be with his ex-wife and kids, but after being there only a few days, he committed suicide.  It has been tragic, inspiring, humbling, sobering--watching N deal with this and reach for faith and strength from God. Watching her bring him home and bury him. 

For my own life, it is strange to see God opening doors to a secular job and closing them on ministry jobs in the coming school year.  It is strange that even as those "official" job opportunities in the church evaporate, we are being entrusted with this great act of support to this precious, grieving family.  So are You preparing me for ministry or not, God?  Do I serve the status quo officially or the suffering unofficially? 

One thing I do know.  This Maundy Thursday service had us receiving communion at tables in groups of 12--like in the upper room.  What was strange to me was that when I broke off the bread, it fell apart in my hand and spilled onto the white table cloth. Then, when I dipped it in the cup, one drop fell on the table cloth.  I didn't notice this happening to anyone else nor has this ever happened to me before.  My first thought was, "Why am I having trouble with the sacrament tonight!?!"  And I felt You say to me, "What I put of Myself in you will spill over to others, even as the bread and wine spill out of your hands here."  What a precious communion experience once I heard that from You!

That last bit, where I move methodically through first self-condemnation for something like helpless clumsiness, etc., next to the discernment that this very thing that makes me feel shame is but a wondrous revelation from my Beloved--a revelation of my value to Him, and finally to a breathless wonder, a wordless amazement as my response.  This has become enough of a hallmark sequence for me that I try to be alert for it, particularly when I find myself tempted to be frustrated--especially with myself.  I don't always achieve the level of expectancy I desire; sometimes I wallow in irritation. He is always faithful, nevertheless, to show me the "good" of His involvement, even in those places where I'd be quick to expect His condemnation to match my own self-condemnation.  I must ever be taught again to love myself, to see myself with His eyes.
Today's backward glance did not raise risidual bitterness.
It did not bring ghost pain.
It brought precious memories:  

I'd forgotten I had yet another gif tto associate with the bread of communion.
I'd forgotten how deeply those exact words You used that day of Passion:  what I put of Myself in you...I had no idea how that particular word choice would resonate with me later...
How precious are the layers of meaning You attach to Your words
...words for the moment
...words for the future
...words for the places beyond the reach of time.
Thank You for these!