These Aren't the Quotes You're Looking for...

Sometimes I read a quote and want to share it because I know someone who "really needs to see this!"  It's not a kindness on my part.  I fiercely avoid sharing those, and I reprimand myself.

Sometimes I read a quote and have to share it because it puts into words an ache that needed words in my mind but did not yet have them.  I share those quotes with an enthusiasm no one understands.

Sometimes I read a quote, and I ache. I don't want to share it because while I think I've come along in its ways, I'm not completely sure about that.  Those are the ones that whisper, "Do you really want to grow?" because I know I'm not finished with them yet.

These are some of  those quotes:

• The noonday devil of the Christian life is the temptation to lose the inner self while preserving the shell of edifying behavior.  Suddenly, I discover that I am ministering to AIDS victims to enhance my resume.  I find I renounced ice cream for Lent to lose five excess pounds.  I drop hints about the absolute priority of meditation and contemplation to create the impression that I am a man of prayer.  I have lost the connection between internal purity of heart and external works of piety...I have fallen victim to what T.S. Eliot calls the greatest sin:  to do the right thing for the wrong reason. (p.135)
• Caiaphas...is dedicated to "the people" so individual flesh and blood men are expendable.  Caiaphas is dedicated to the nation...The choice usually presented to Christians is not between Jesus and Barabbas.  No one wants to appear an obvious murderer.  The choice to be careful about is between Jesus and Caiaphas.  And Caiaphas can fool us.  He is a very "religious" man. (p.140)
• For most of us, it takes a long time for the spirit of freedom to cleanse us of the subtle urges to be admired for our studied goodness.  It requires a strong sense of our redeemed selves to pass up the opportunity to appear graceful and good to other people. ( p.153)  (The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning.)

As Gerald May says, "Who can escape watching oneself do good?"

June 21
What an amazing thing.  I'm looking forward to things again.  M. [my oldest son--the topic of another post] attends his Awakening retreat soon.  We are all settled into the new apartment, so the element of dread is behind us.  What is, is; and I am beginning to anticipate what is coming instead of reviewing mournfully what I'm losing.  And, last week we got to go on a business trip with S.  We went to Norfolk, VA and stayed at a high-rise hotel with windows overlooking the harbor.  The kids and I went to the beach as S. worked.  We rested and enjoyed each other in the evenings!

I prayed a few weeks ago for security.  Actually, lately I've prayed a lot for security, but this one time it seemed God answered, "No one really has thae security you mean, you know.  Anyone can die any time."
To which I said, "You're right.  I want the same illusion of security that everyone else has."  We had a good laugh together.  But now that He's given me a measure of that security-illusion, I must take care not to grow complacent.

I don't quite know yet how the juxtaposition of the tension in Manning's words and the tension I feel in journal review fit together.  I know somehow they will complement each other; I'm just not sure how that's going to play out yet.  I believe it isn't random.  But I still wait.
Maybe I'm waiting for the next quote to resonate.