"The most staggering thing about Jesus Christ is that He makes human destiny depend not on goodness or badness, not on things done or not done, but on who we say He is." --Oswald Chambers, Daily Thoughts for Disciples, March 13.
And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Rev. 12:10-11
Sept 15, 2005
God has utterly broken me. Indeed, He took me into excess of light even as He did the disciples at the Transfiguration. And I, too, was afraid. And I, too, found myself alone there, with only Christ.
He showed me the beauty of His love, passion, vision, supernatural intervention in the life of another person, and I wanted to make that vision real for myself. I wanted to BE Him making things turn as I saw with His eye they could be. Strange covetousness consumed me, and I became Satan Incarnate. I wanted to own, to control the Beauty You allowed me to see...even though this belonged only to You. But You did not leave me there. No, YOu plunged me into the nakedness of Adam and Eve in the garden and allowed me full identification with the Fall. I had no idea! I had no idea it was THIS, God! How could I know what it is to be the most dangerous thing to all mankind, to "feel" the fall? How could I know what it is like to stand in the place of Peter, receiving a vision of the perfect way, and then beingcalled Satan, told to get behind the back of the very One who painted the picture. Behind the back, because even though it is avision I'd like to make real for Your sake, I want to do it NOW, for my sake.
But to likewise touch redemption. To see You approach, lift up, step into the circle of weakness and offer strength; to have You cover shame, complete what is unfinished, weather away selfishness and covetousness until all that remains is the beauty that ever shall be, the realization of the original vision, only now in its best realization, one that remains true to Your nature.
Love springs eternal. What a heart You have! That You chose at all to return on the third day. My Redeemer! Give me such a strong heart, to rise from death and ashes to love again from first to last!
Oh, the timing of these visits to my old self.
Today, I find myself standing on the other bank of this particular river-crossing, and needing to allow others to struggle across as I merely watch and encourage, but do not assist. Today, I am not so much the butterfly fighting its way free of the cocoon, I am the hand that could ease another butterfly's escape, but in so doing ruin its chances to ever fly strong. What if someone had "saved" me from my experience that September years ago? Would I be where I am now, if I had been spared the experience of suffering through the more horrifying side of self-awareness?
Oswald Chambers speaks to me on this side of the river-crossing as well:
"One of the hardest lessons to learn comes from our stubborn refusal to refrain from interfering in other people's lives. It takes a long time to realize the danger of being an amateur providence, that is, interfering with God's plan for others. You see someone suffering, and say , 'He will not suffer, and I will make sure that he doesn't.' You put your hand right in front of God's permissive will to stop it, and then God says, 'What is that to you?' "--My Utmost for His Highest, November 15
So precept follows precept.
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